Marriage money issues: Is there a spending double standard in your relationship?
Is your spouse happily spending on themself (luxury cars, high-end clothing, expensive sporting goods) but criticizing you for spending money on yourself, the kids or the household? Have you been told that ‘there’s no way we need to spend that much on groceries in a week' as this person rolls through the kitchen in Gucci loafers?
If your head is going to explode from frustration, take a deep breath and read on.
When did this start?
When you look back at your relationship, was it always like this? Where you would budget your spending, maybe cater to your spouse’s opinion about how much you should spend while they did whatever they pleased? Or did this dynamic build gradually after you bought your house, or did it start after you had kids together? Or did this power imbalance start when you reduced your hours at your work in order to care for your children?
Most couples’ financial issues intensify slowly and insidiously over time. That is, one spouse may have made comments about the other’s spending early in the relationship but that the power imbalance really intensified after having children. Many couples, once they have kids, move toward more traditional gender roles where the high earning partner takes on the role as the primary breadwinner, and the lower earning partner assumes the ‘domestic’ responsibilities. While this division of labor may make sense on paper, it may have contributed to the idea that your partner should have more control over finances and be the decision-makers when it comes to spending.
You’ve tried everything to get through to them
I know you’ve brought this issue up to your spouse before. In gentle ways, in empathic ways, in curious ways and then later in angry, screaming, exasperated ways. This is not a new dynamic so of course you’ve tried getting through to your spouse about your frustration in every possible way.
First you tried:
‘I don’t think it’s fair that you’re going on a golf trip with your friends while criticizing the price of products I bought at Target for our kids.’
Later you expressed frustration:
‘I’m frustrated with this spending double standard where you tell me how to spend money but you seem to spend however you like.’
Ultimately you lapsed into sheer rage:
‘You’re a controlling asshole and I’m sick of this bullshit.’
But, so far, it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. What should you do?
The 3 step plan to address this dynamic
Step one: Create a budget and talk about financial boundaries
I know, I know. You’re saying ‘Lauren, I’ve done this a million times.’ And I believe that you have. But this time you’re doing it for a different reason. This time you’re doing it to collect evidence (more on that later).
Sit down with your spouse and set a budget (use a spreadsheet or a budgeting app) for personal spending as well as household spending. Express to your spouse that you ‘want to get on the same page’ and reduce fighting about money. This puts the conversation in a hopeful and optimistic light. Be honest about what money you need to run the household (childcare, kids’ activities, snow removal, groceries, repairs, etc.) as well as your own personal spending (haircuts, clothing, co-pays, coffee, meals out, etc.). Ask your spouse to estimate their spending and put it all in the budget document.
Step two: Regular budget review meetings
Every 2 weeks, sit down with your spouse and review the spending. Be honest about what is on track and what’s off track. Talk about upcoming expenses and make plans for how to pay for them. If you see your spouse veering away from the budgeting plans, comment on it in a neutral, non-confrontational manner. Again, you’re gathering evidence so it’s not fruitful to start a fight.
Step three: Use the evidence to spring into action
If you find that your spouse is unwilling to track their spending, is spending more than they estimated or that they have lapsed into criticizing your spending while spending freely on themselves, now you have the evidence that you needed. Evidence for what, you say? The evidence to suggest that you need to talk to an outside professional about your financial issues.
Seek help now or start saving for divorce attorneys
The reality is that fighting about money is one of the main reasons that couples file for divorce. If your spouse is reluctant to seek help, you might want to tell them how much you love them and want to get back on track. If they are still resistant to seeking outside feedback, you might observe that seeing a couples therapist is cheaper than hiring a divorce attorney.
Without outside steering you’re going to stay on this financial carousel forever. Where you feel powerless and resentful and your spouse is confused by the intensity of your feelings about their spending. Rather than continuing this pattern, it’s time to interrupt it by bringing in outside support.
You may need to schedule the appointment and push your spouse into attending. This is not uncommon and it’s not an omen of how the couples therapy will work. Make the first appointment and push for the health of your marriage. Your spouse will thank you later.
Why couples therapy works
Fighting about money is never about money. It’s about power, respect and control. A trained couples therapist can help you and your partner to get underneath the money fighting. In other words, to stop talking about money and start talking about what you really need from one another. Maybe your spouse doesn’t feel appreciated or respected for their hard work and therefore they have been rewarding themselves with their spending. Maybe you grew up in a family where financial resources were tight and therefore your spouse’s spending makes you anxious and panicked about the future. These are things that can really only be unpacked in couples therapy.
Hop off the merry-go-round that you’re on, stop fighting about money and start talking about what really matters: how to improve your relationship so that you can enjoy the resources that you have.