Do you need a sleep-divorce? Are ‘roommate issues’ f***ing up your marriage?

Meet Kim and Gary. Kim and Gary have been married for 20 years, have raised 2 kids together and have a generally happy marriage. Now that they are empty nesters, Kim has become devoted to her marathon running, something that she let lapse when the kids were younger. She is thrilled to be racing again and to have found a ‘solution’ to her empty nest sadness. She credits much of her running joy to the camaraderie of her running group, which meets 4 mornings per week at 5am. She feels she has made new friends and developed a community for herself. Four nights per week she sets her alarm for 4:15am and lays out her running clothes for the following morning. When the alarm goes off at 4:15am, she happily hops out of bed in anticipation of seeing her running friends.

Who is not smiling when the alarm goes off is Gary, who finds Kim’s Mark Wahlberg-esque discipline impressive, but disruptive to his ability to sleep. Kim tells him to ‘go back to sleep’ after her alarm goes off but Gary is unable to resume sleeping. Awakened at 4:15am 4 days per week, he is growing increasingly resentful of her commitment to this early morning running group. When Kim returns home after her running group, Gary is exhausted, resentful and prone to making angry comments about how she is prioritizing her running group over their marriage.

Kim doesn’t understand why Gary can’t be supportive of her passion. Gary, on the other hand, feels that she could run at a later time in order to be more considerate of his need for sleep. Though this is a ‘roommate issue’ and not a ‘marriage issue,’ it has caused both spouses to feel resentful, which is bleeding into their otherwise happy marriage. It is important that they address this issue swiftly before it causes any lasting damage to their relationship.

What’s the difference between ‘roommate issues’ and ‘marriage issues?’

Roommate issues are problems that arise from challenges in living together and could occur in any cohabiting relationship. Examples are: different wake/sleep cycles, messiness/cleanliness, loud/soft music. These issues could just as easily occur with platonic college roommates as it could in a marriage. Roommate issues lend quickly and easily to identification, communication and compromise.

Marriage issues, on the other hand, include issues of trust, love, sexual satisfaction, fidelity, and shared values. Marriage issues tend to feel emotional and of high importance to the couple. If a marriage issue is severe (example: trust is ruptured) it can threaten the viability of the marriage. In contrast to roommate issues, marriage issues often require multiple, in-depth conversations (or couples therapy) in order to sufficiently address and/or resolve.

In this situation, it is recommended that Kim and Gary implement a partial ‘sleep-divorce.’

What is a sleep-divorce?

A sleep-divorce is where two happily married partners sleep in separate rooms on nights where one person’s schedule might negatively affect the other person’s sleep. This could be due to work, travel, childcare responsibilities or even watching the Super Bowl. In this situation, Kim could volunteer to sleep in the guest room on the nights before she wakes up at 4:15am. This would preserve her ability to participate in her running group and protect Gary’s sleep. On nights when Kim and Gary are going to be on the same schedule, they can sleep together in the same room.

Is a ‘sleep-divorce’ a prelude to a real divorce?

Absolutely not. Many couples, including the Today Show’s own Carson Daly credit sleep-divorces with saving their marriages. Being married and being roommates involve different relationship dynamics. By labeling issues of cohabitation as ‘roommate issues,’ it immediately diffuses potentially strong emotions. The key to any relationship is to keep open and honest communication. Whether it’s you that is setting the early alarm or it’s you that would prefer to sleep later, it’s important to come to the table with a willingness to think creatively about the solution.